


ashes to ashes

by SunshineBomb



Category: ATEEZ (Band)
Genre: 80s, Alternate Universe - College/University, Angst, David Bowie - Freeform, Depression, Dissociation, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Established Relationship, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, I Wrote This Instead of Sleeping, I'm so sorry, M/M, Not Beta Read, Recreational Drug Use, References to Depression, david bowie again whoops, don't mind me i'm just projecting onto hongjoong again, hongjoong's kinda just going through it, not even proofread, rated t for language and the devil's lettuce, seongjoong best boys, they be smokin weed, this starts out kinda too real but then it gets fluffy, yeet it's set in the 80s, yunho is mentioned
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-06-26
Updated: 2020-06-26
Packaged: 2021-03-04 01:00:11
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,301
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24925036
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SunshineBomb/pseuds/SunshineBomb
Summary: Hongjoong's having a hard time and school really isn't helping.But maybe smoking some oui'd will ;)
Relationships: Kim Hongjoong/Park Seonghwa
Comments: 1
Kudos: 37





	ashes to ashes

**Author's Note:**

> hey whaddup i'm back with another seongjoong fic named after a david bowie song but this time it's angsty
> 
> and y'all should go listen to ashes to ashes by david bowie :)

Hongjoong didn’t know how long he'd been staring out his window, but he didn’t think it was dark when he started his homework. Only a second before, there were only the pale pink and orange hints of sunset stretching across the sky, and now it’s an inky black, dotted with stars. Sighing, he turned back to the books in front of him, trying desperately to figure out what he was supposed to be doing with the assignment. And for whatever reason, he couldn’t. His brain wouldn’t let him process what was sitting right in front of him, and no matter how much he knew he just needed to pick up the pen and start writing, he couldn’t do it. He shifted his attention to the pen sitting atop his open notebook, and stared at it, as if mentally willing it to pick itself up and start writing. 'Just pick up the goddamn pen,' he thought. 'It’s really not that hard.' After a few more minutes of the same dilemma, he finally forced himself to pick up and uncap the pen, pressing its point to the paper to begin writing, but no words came from it. He still didn’t know what he was supposed to be doing. Wait, what class was this for again? Was it Music Theory? No, there weren’t any musical notations in his textbook. It had to be Literature… but which one? He was taking two separate Lit courses, and one was focused on Shakespeare, while the other was focused solely on female authors. He looked back at the textbook in front of him to see that, no, it wasn’t Music Theory or any of his Literature courses at all, it was Ancient Civilisations. 

____“Fuck,” he huffed, throwing down the pen. That was the one class he had the hardest time with, despite it being one of his favourites. He could never remember any of the dates or names of important people they had to memorise, and yet, he had no problem memorising the other facts that they weren’t required to remember. He laid his head down on the desk, on the brink of just calling it quits, when he heard the door to the apartment open, making him jump, but he laid his head back down. The distant sound of keys jingling and shuffling shoes could be heard before the door to the bedroom creaked open._ _ _ _

____“Joong, what are you doing,” he knew it was Seonghwa before he even spoke._ _ _ _

____“Learning through... mitosis... photosynthesis... whatever the fuck it is,” he mumbled. Seonghwa chuckled._ _ _ _

____“Did you mean osmosis?”_ _ _ _

____“Whatever,” Seonghwa gently placed his hands on the sides of Hongjoong’s face to lift his head up from the desk before placing a soft kiss on his forehead. He glanced over at the textbook, then the blank notebook pages staring up at them._ _ _ _

____“Do you need help?” he asked. He didn’t respond for a moment, instead staring straight ahead with a blank stare before slowly shaking his head._ _ _ _

____“No… I… I can do it,” he said, still spacing out. Frowning, Seonghwa knelt next to him and placed the back of his hand against his forehead, feeling for a fever._ _ _ _

____“Joong, babe, are you feeling okay? You seem kinda spacey,” blinking, Hongjoong turned to look at Seonghwa, then back to the books._ _ _ _

____“Yeah, I… I’m fine… yeah,” he picked the pen up once more, like he was about to begin writing, but again, nothing happened. His brain couldn’t seem to move any more than a little bit every few seconds, and even then, all of his thoughts moved too slowly. It felt like it took him ages to form even half of a coherent sentence, and then even longer to only get out one word at a time. What was he doing? Oh yeah, homework. But was class was it?_ _ _ _

____“--anything?” blinking again, he turned to Seonghwa._ _ _ _

____“Huh?”_ _ _ _

____“I said I was gonna make some food, do you want anything?” he stared at Hongjoong with a concerned gaze as he waited for a reply. It took a moment, but he got there._ _ _ _

____“I’m okay… thanks though,” he offered a smile that he hoped was convincing, but it didn’t look like Seonghwa was buying it._ _ _ _

____“Are you sure you’re okay? You’ve been kinda out of it the past few weeks, I’m starting to get worried,” another too-long pause as Hongjoong tried to put his words together._ _ _ _

____“Yeah… I’m just… I guess I’m tired… ‘n I’m having trouble concentrating… thatsit,” he inwardly grimaced at how his words had started to slur together. “‘M fine, Hwa,” for a moment, it looked as though Seonghwa believed him, before the same worry flooded back onto his face. He took Hongjoong’s free hand in his._ _ _ _

____“Maybe it’s time for a break. I don’t know how long you’ve been staring at those books, but something’s clearly up, and I think you need a break from thinking for a bit,” he gently coaxed the pen out of his hand and tossed it back on the desk. “Come on, we can watch a movie.”_ _ _ _

____“Can we go smoke instead?” he asked. Seonghwa gave his hand a gentle squeeze._ _ _ _

____“Sure,” he walked away. “Don’t forget a jacket, it’s a little cold out.” stretching, Hongjoong stood up and immediately regretted it. For a second or two, his vision went completely black and his head started to swim, but it was gone as soon as it happened. He had known it would happen if he stood up too fast, but he forgot every time. After taking a minute to regain his bearings, he shuffled out of the room to meet Seonghwa by the front door. As he laced up his shoes, he could feel the other’s eyes on him, but he decided to ignore it. He was fine, there was no reason for Seonghwa to think otherwise. So what if he kept zoning out a little bit, or if he momentarily blacked out after standing up too fast? All of that was normal, he was fine. He was just a little tired and it was kind of hard to focus at the moment. But maybe Seonghwa was right, maybe he just needed to take a break from thinking for a bit. After slipping his jacket on, he turned to Seonghwa, forcing a smile on his face._ _ _ _

____“Let’s go,” he said. He scrutinised the other for a moment, as if he was a puzzle to solve, but shook his head and led them outside. They walked through the parking lot in silence, Hongjoong purposefully keeping his eyes trained ahead so he wouldn’t have to look at Seonghwa. He just knew the other kept turning to look at him, to see if he really was okay, but he didn’t want to answer any of his questions, he just wanted to walk. He just needed to walk and not think about his schoolwork for a bit. Somewhere in the back of his mind, he could feel something there, like he had forgotten something, but he couldn’t figure out what it was. He tried to focus on that small, nagging feeling, to try and remember whatever it was he had forgotten, but he couldn’t even focus on that, no matter how hard he tried._ _ _ _

____He felt a hand close around his wrist and pull him into something… no, someone. Blinking, he turned to see Seonghwa staring at him with the same look of concern and worry from earlier. His hand was still around his wrist, and he had pulled Hongjoong against him._ _ _ _

____“Hwa, are you okay? You look a little… I don’t know…” he frowned, bringing his free hand up to smooth out the creases forming on his forehead._ _ _ _

____“I feel like I should be the one asking you that,” he replied. “Joong, you almost walked into a light post, were you even watching where you were going?” he quirked an eyebrow, looking around to see a light post just behind them, and if Seonghwa hadn’t pulled him out of the way, he definitely would have walked directly into it._ _ _ _

____“I… yeah. I’ve been watching… yeah,” he shook his head, trying to clear the fog in his mind._ _ _ _

____“Maybe we should go back. You obviously haven’t been doing great, maybe you just need to go to bed--”_ _ _ _

____“No, I… I’m fine, Hwa. Let’s… let’s just keep going, I’ll be okay,” he tugged his hand out of Seonghwa’s hold and laced their fingers together. They continued on their walk, and Hongjoong had to admit, holding Seonghwa’s hand did seem to help ground him a bit. His head still felt a little foggy and slow, but it was a bit easier to focus._ _ _ _

____“You still wanna smoke?” he asked, earning a nod in response. He slid his hand out of Hongjoong’s to dig around in one of his pockets, pulling out a lighter and a joint._ _ _ _

____“You just kept it in your jacket pocket?” he snorted._ _ _ _

____“I got this from Yunho right before I came home, it hasn’t been in there long,” he playfully bumped their shoulders together as he stuck the joint in between his lips. They stopped walking for a moment as Seonghwa lit it, making sure they were outside the reach of any street lights. When the first few tendrils of smoke curled out from his lips, they started their walk again._ _ _ _

____“So,” he started, puffing out a cloud of smoke and handing the joint to Hongjoong. “Wanna tell me what’s going on?” there was a pause as he took a hit, trying to figure out what exactly to say and how to say it._ _ _ _

____“I… I don’t know,” he sighed. “Like, I feel fine, but I’ve just felt kinda foggy and slow, and I can’t focus on anything,” he took another hit and passed it back to Seonghwa. “Maybe it’s just because I’m tired... I can’t sleep.”_ _ _ _

____“That doesn’t sound fine to me,”_ _ _ _

____“Well, I… well, maybe I don’t feel… fine. But, I feel... normal? Like, I’m used to this… it’s not a big deal,”_ _ _ _

____“But it is a big deal, Joong,” he said. “I haven’t seen you this out of it since high school, and,” he sighed, running a hand through his hair. “I’m just really worried about you. Last time this happened…” they fell into another bout of silence. Hongjoong knew Seonghwa was right, none of this was normal, he wasn’t okay, and last time things had gotten this bad, it took him a long time to get back from it._ _ _ _

____“Hongjoong!” he whipped his head around to face a still-concerned Seonghwa, who just sighed again. “Nevermind,” he mumbled, sliding the joint back in between his lips._ _ _ _

____“What? Sorry, I…”_ _ _ _

____“It’s okay. I was just gonna ask if you’ve still been taking your meds,” Hongjoong didn’t even need to say anything for Seonghwa to know the answer. “Whether you realise it or not, love, they’ve been helping.”_ _ _ _

____“Well maybe I’m tired of taking them, okay?” he snapped. “They just… they just make me feel like I’m sick, and I hate it. And I’m not sick, but even if I am, I can get better by myself, I don’t need stupid fucking pills…” each word that came out of his mouth felt like a lie, and he knew that it was all a lie, but he couldn’t stop it. He knew he was sick, although Seonghwa and the doctors preferred to say he just needed help to be happy. He knew all of this, but he still hated to say it. Saying it out loud made it real, and he did not want any of it to be real. He just wanted to be a normal college student and do his homework and make music and go on dates with his boyfriend, like a normal person. But instead, he was stuck in a near-constant state of fatigue and a cloudy head. At least, he was when he wasn’t taking his meds. He didn’t know why, but one day, he just didn’t take them, and he hadn’t taken them since. That was a few weeks ago, and even though he saw that garishly orange pill bottle every time he walked into the bathroom, he couldn’t bring himself to open it again. Taking the pills would mean acknowledging he was sick, and the last thing he wanted was to admit he was sick._ _ _ _

____He didn’t realise they had been walking in silence until Seonghwa spoke again._ _ _ _

____“Hongjoong, I…” he started, shifting his attention down to the pavement. “If for no other reason, do it for me? I don’t know how else to help you. I just want you to be happy, and…” he sighed, the concern that had been present all evening melting away into fatigue. “I just want you to be happy,” Hongjoong turned and threw his arms around Seonghwa, burying his face in his chest. Seonghwa returned the embrace, resting his chin atop his head. They stood there for a moment, beneath a dimming street light, holding each other tighter than was comfortable, but each just needing to know the other was there. Standing there in Seonghwa’s arms made Hongjoong feel warm, almost. He didn’t know how else to describe it, but he already felt better than he had in weeks. Had he really gone that long without holding Seonghwa like this? He couldn’t imagine that he did, but when he thought about it, he realised that he had drawn into himself more, closing himself off from everyone, including Seonghwa._ _ _ _

____“I’m sorry,” he mumbled, voice muffled by his shirt._ _ _ _

____“There’s nothing for you to be sorry about, love,”_ _ _ _

____“But I’ve been ignoring you. I feel like I haven’t seen you in weeks, and it’s entirely my fault. And I can tell I’ve been making you sad, and I really don’t mean to. I don’t want you to be sad because I’m sad. I want you to be happy,”_ _ _ _

____“Oh, love,” he felt a soft press of lips to the top of his head. “It’s okay. You’re talking to me now, and that’s what matters. Just being with you makes me happy,” he asked. Hongjoong lifted his head to meet his gaze._ _ _ _

____“Good, I want you to be happy. If you’re happy, then that’s good enough,” he bent his head down to peck his nose._ _ _ _

____“Are you happy right now?”_ _ _ _

____“Well, I’m a little high, but that’s basically the same thing, so sure,” he flashed a grin. “Speaking of which, gimme the joint, I want another hit,” he twisted around to grab the joint from Seonghwa, who instead of handing it over, held it high above their heads while Hongjoong made grabby hands at it._ _ _ _

____“You can have it if you promise me you’ll take your meds when we get back,” Hongjoong folded his arms across his chest, pouting._ _ _ _

____“That’s not fair,” he sighed. “But fine. Just hand over the goddamn weed,” Seonghwa obliged, lowering his hand so Hongjoong could take the joint. He turned to keep walking, taking his hit and blowing the smoke up at the star-littered sky._ _ _ _

____“Feeling better?” he asked._ _ _ _

____“Yeah, I think so. Taking a walk definitely helped, but I still feel a little…” he waved his hand around. “Y’know?” Seonghwa chuckled._ _ _ _

____“Yeah, I get it,” he took the other’s hand again, swinging it between them. “You ready to head back?”_ _ _ _

____“Yeah, I think so. We can still watch a movie, right?” Seonghwa reached over to take the remainder of the joint._ _ _ _

____“Of course. Anything in particular?”_ _ _ _

____“Can we watch Labyrinth?” he asked hopefully. He snickered._ _ _ _

____“Babe, it only came out like two months ago, we gotta wait for it to come on VHS,”_ _ _ _

____“Oh yeah… I forgot,” his eyes lit up again. “What about Star Wars?” Seonghwa threw what little was left of the joint to the side as they approached the parking lot._ _ _ _

____“Anything for you,” he smiled. They were soon back at the apartment, and as soon as shoes and jackets had been shed, Hongjoong made a beeline for the living room to retrieve the VHS._ _ _ _

____“Joong,” he called from the kitchen._ _ _ _

____“Yeah?”_ _ _ _

____“We’re not watching anything till you take your meds, baby,” groaning, Hongjoong trudged towards the kitchen, where Seonghwa was waiting with the pill bottle and a glass of water. He took the bottle and shook out one of the pills, tossing it into his mouth. Seonghwa handed him the glass of water, taking the bottle from him as he took a drink._ _ _ _

____“Do we still have popcorn?” he asked. He nodded, leaving him to look for the popcorn so he could start the movie. As he rewinded the tape, he could hear the muffled sound of the microwave starting, followed by soft footsteps shuffling across the carpet. A pair of sweater-clad arms looped around his waist from behind._ _ _ _

____“Thanks for putting up with my depressed, dissociative ass,” Hongjoong chuckled. “Don’t know why you do it, but I’m grateful for it.” he turned around in the smaller’s embrace to pull him closer and to plant a kiss on his forehead._ _ _ _

____“I do it ‘cause I love you and I love taking care of you,” he leaned down to peck the other’s lips. “My little starman,” Hongjoong’s face scrunched up._ _ _ _

____“Ew, stop being so sappy,” he whined. The beeping of the microwave blared through the apartment, causing him to jump. He gently pried Seonghwa’s arms away. “Gonna get the popcorn. Any other snacks you want?”_ _ _ _

____“You,” he smirked, earning an eye roll and a snort from the other. “Maybe some M &M’s too.” he disappeared back into the kitchen, while Seonghwa turned back to continue rewinding the tape. Over the whirring of the VCR, he could hear faint humming and couldn’t help the smile growing across his lips. Quietly, he made his way to the kitchen and peeked in to see Hongjoong bustling around the kitchen getting snacks. The humming had shifted into soft singing, but it was loud enough for him to make out which song it was._ _ _ _

____“‘Ashes to ashes, funk to funky, we know Major Tom’s a junkie, strung out in heaven’s high, hitting an all-time low…’” he went back to humming the parts of the song he didn’t know, filling in the words he did know with his voice, high and lilting and absolutely perfect to Seonghwa’s ears. It had been a while since he had heard Hongjoong sing, lately he had only been singing when he went to the campus studio for his classes. Maybe it was the walk, maybe it was talking about what had been happening, or maybe it was because he was high, but whatever the reason, Seonghwa was glad that Hongjoong was singing again. He already seemed more like himself than he did even an hour before._ _ _ _

____“Hwa?”_ _ _ _

____“Huh? Did you say something?” Hongjoong giggled._ _ _ _

____“Now you’re the one spacing out. I just asked if you could help bring all this to the living room,” with both of his hands being occupied by a giant bowl of popcorn and a bag of M &M’s, he tilted his head towards the counter, where more snacks sat. _ _ _ _

____“I thought you were just getting popcorn and M &M’s,”_ _ _ _

____“I was, but I’ve got the munchies and this isn’t enough,” rolling his eyes, Seonghwa gathered the snacks and followed Hongjoong back to the couch, taking a quick detour to play the tape and turn out the lights. Once they got settled on the couch, Hongjoong picked up the popcorn and set it in his lap, putting a handful in his mouth, making his cheeks puff out. Chuckling, Seonghwa reached over to run his fingers through his hair, curling strands around his fingers and gently scratching at his scalp._ _ _ _

____“What am I gonna do with you,” he mumbled fondly. Hongjoong leaned into the touch, turning to face Seonghwa._ _ _ _

____“Cuddle me?”_ _ _ _

____“Anything for you,”_ _ _ _

**Author's Note:**

> i suck at endings whoops
> 
> please leave comments/kudos if y'all'd be so kind <3


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